Happiness is a choice, whether we know that or not. It is the main core of what people truly desire. Life coach Esateys Stuchiner says oftentimes, we cover our happiness with so many belief systems, programs, and ideas of how we’re supposed to be that we fail to allow ourselves to feel the happiness of what it is being in the moment that brings to us. Esateys co-hosts the Relationships Done Different podcast with her husband, Rafael.  She joins us to talk about choosing happiness, self-healing, transformations, and building great relationships.

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Choosing Happiness with Esateys Stuchiner


I have a fabulous woman to bring to you on this episode. I know that you’re going to love her and I know that you’re going to love her topic and what we’re talking about because now we are going to the relationship side of the day as we did a lot of business. I’ve got Esateys. She goes by that but her last name is Stuchiner. She has a fabulous podcast called Relationships Done Different. She is a co-host with her husband, Rafael. We have a great time getting to know you as we started this podcast. You have got a tremendous amount of experience transforming, being a coach, building great relationships, building transformations and getting people to self-heal. That’s such an important part of what you do. You actually have a Self Healing Institute.

We do have a Self Healing Institute where there are hundreds of articles about healing yourself. The podcast has a very strong lean towards relationships, but relationships are always first with self. We call it done different because it’s not like, “How am I going to make him happy? How is she going to do something right so I can like her?” It’s more like, “Who am I? What am I in the relationship? Who am I on the relationship and who am I in life?” It takes us to a much deeper core level.

It’s so important that we as women especially, take the time to really self-heal and make sure that we’re a whole person because a lot of us are spreading ourselves thin.

I work with so many people in my coaching and I do retreats and all these things and it’s primarily women, although it’s not exclusive to women. What I find is we as women as a collective, and I know this won’t be new news to anyone, we are very good at giving. We’re just so good at making sure everybody else is okay and somewhere down in there where they’re maybe, but usually not at a high enough priority to where we are fulfilled. We don’t take care of ourselves in a way that is important. A lot of the emphasis is the ultimate relationship with self. Unless we can fill ourselves up and then overflow to the world, we are going to always be running a little bit close to empty if not completely overdrawn and because of that, it’s a great healing for self. What’s miraculous is somehow it seems like the outer world changes from that.

I come from a long line of women who were very self-sacrificing like my nan, who I adore. She just would cook for people. She would serve people. She was always on her feet. It was a typical Italian grandmother and that’s what it was. I grew up with that thinking that’s how it was supposed to be. I learned early on because I ended up with this amazing man in my life who is like, “No, let me serve you, let me help you.” I was like, “Wow.” Relationships can be different. I’ve got to love how that happens that we have the opportunity to change the path of what we’ve seen before us.

It’s very powerful for you to say that because what occurs is that we have all this lineage especially those of us that are over twenty. We come from parents that have been around for a while and they learn over and over again that women were, maybe this big and they didn’t have that much support to really come out and be themselves. We always used to joke and say to my mom something about a martyr. It’s like I’ve had somebody say to me, “You’re acting like a martyr.” I said, “I can’t be a martyr. My mom has all the martyr award already.” I say it to her because she had seven children herself and then we had four that were adopted. There were eleven kids and all she did was run herself ragged.

Much of the time she wasn’t feeling as great as she could possibly feel emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It was a great message for me. It helped me understand that that’s the way we grow up. She was born in the ‘20s and those days you didn’t ever think about yourself. We’re progressing and I’m very excited about that. How awesome that you have a man that says, “How can I serve you? How can I wait for you?” You’re going to have a lot of input from people that are watching this and they’re going to go, “Where can I find one of those?”

I have had offers, my husband is very desirable. I know that. There is something absolutely sexy and wonderful about somebody who unconditionally loves you. It’s just wonderful and who doesn’t want a piece of that? That’s a really great way though to go out in the world. That’s always what I did take from my grandmother. I did take from my nan was that she gave unconditional love all the time, but that it doesn’t have to be complete self-sacrifice in order to make that happen. I can honor her and what she did that was so wonderful, but I can also be my own. I think that showed the best for me was that she was so proud that I was out there building businesses and doing things. Being different than her wasn’t a reflection on me rejecting that.

Happiness is the main core of what people truly desire. Share on X

That’s very powerful and exciting that you had that support. Many women nowadays don’t have that support. They don’t have that special person that helps them become empowered. We work a lot on empowerment and being authentic. We never learned how to really be authentic. When we grow up, we’re told how we are supposed to walk, how we’re supposed to feel and it comes from our parents, it comes from our siblings. It comes from the internet. Those days it might’ve been radio and television, but the bottom line is we’re a blank slate when we’re young. When somebody tells us something, we think that’s it. We think that’s real. That must be the way we’re supposed to be. By the time we hit a certain age, we’re glassed over. We don’t even know what authenticity is. We don’t know what our real heart’s desire is. We don’t know how to stand up or speak for ourselves in a way that we are capable of and this world needs. Women are amazing and it’s helping them understand that they are and that takes a complete transformation for some, not as much for others. That’s the work that makes a difference in you as an individual.

I think that’s actually because you are co-hosting with Rafael and you have that relationship going on. You’ll have also a dynamic of saying, “In a world where us women get to shine too.” That means that that doesn’t take something away from you as a male, that it’s just you have to transition and you have to transform as well. We leave that behind too often.

Men are shaken by the things that are happening because there’s a part of them that is a little bit threatened, some more than others. The bottom line is to have a man be very clear in who they are. Then they don’t become threatened rather they join in and it becomes an augmentation. When Rafael and I do the podcast, it’s really awesome because we can banter back and forth and he can have his opinion and I can have mine. Even though mine is always right, I let him think it’s okay sometimes and it’s fun.

I think that really is the power of what you’re doing and how you’re getting your message out into the world. What you’re working through is that you are opening up these perspectives and these viewpoints. You’re helping people see themselves and see how they can help themselves and how they can move through from wherever they are now.

Choose Happiness: Many women today don’t have support. They don’t have that special person that helps them become empowered.


Tracy, I have been working for a lot of years with people in so many different areas. One of the things that run across the board is whether it’s a man or a woman, if you ask them what their real core desire is its happiness. People want to be in a place where they’re very happy. I have this little system called the I Choose system where we get to know that happiness is a choice, but people don’t know that is possible. They don’t know what’s available. We really work very enthusiastically and with great passion to help women and men awaken to happiness. It’s already in here, but we cover it up with so many belief systems, programs, and ideas about how we’re supposed to be, which is where the authenticity gets lost.

When we start to help each person wake up to whom it is that they truly are, then what occurs is that there is a major transformation that occurs. When you feel you are being whom it is that you truly are and you speak your truth. You don’t let anything or anyone get in the way, then what happens is the world seemingly out there has to remold and maleate itself so that you will notice that the world seems to be appreciating you differently. You get to be heard differently. Unless you have that in here, it’s a very difficult thing. It goes back to the inside business. For those of you that are in business, which of course we all are, it’s the inside business that’s going to really create the outer business being different. The inside business is about who we are, how we feel, how connected we feel and how safe we feel. Safety is a big thing. It goes on. It’s a transformation from inner to outer.

You’ve got small retreats that you do and they sound fabulous. I want you to tell us a little bit about it. Your most current one is called Dare to be Happy. I had been reinforcing that with my younger daughters. I have a nine-year-old and a four-year-old in addition to Alexandra who you know. I keep saying, “You can wake up and you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be grumpy,” because sometimes they wake up on the wrong side of the bed. We have that conversation very regularly and you can choose to be kind. I’m always framing it in the world that you have a choice to do this. That’s what you’re saying. You’re not only telling us to choose but you’re also daring us to do it. It makes it clear that we rally to that. I’m going to dare them and see what happens. You’ve inspired me already on how I can change something that I’m doing.

I love that you are so aware, so awake and that your children, what a gift they have to have somebody who is already teaching them at this age because they will have a whole different life than many of us that didn’t have that support. When we are speaking about Daring to be Happy, our retreat is a three-day retreat and it’s really about recognizing all the stuff we have in the way of what’s getting us experiencing the true happiness that we have. Within us is true joy and that happiness comes out when we have cleared away this stuff. These three days literally transform people in a way that is phenomenal. There are layers of stuff that comes off even if they never speak and they just sit there. I’ve had a few people do that.

Balance is a myth. Share on X

They can’t help themselves. They’re dancing out of there at the end because there’s something so beautiful that occurs in us. When we feel safe, we feel gotten, we can see those belief systems that are not happier there. They’re not really even appropriate for ourselves in this world. What happens in those three days is truly a total transformation and it’s done in a way that is very safe and nurturing. We have a lot of fun too. We dance and we watch movies and we do everything that is awesome. In the end, people have a take-home plan that they can continuously follow-up with.

They know their blueprint or their map for success, whether it be in their business or their relationship or the personal level of self or their children. It affects all of those things. That’s what we do. We’re doing one in the Portland, Oregon in the first week in May. We are doing one in Saratoga, California. I believe it’s the 24th through the 26th in Saratoga, which is right near San Jose. It’s an incredibly powerful opportunity to have everything come to awareness so you can live your life and you get to choose your happiness and this time you’ll recognize you really have a choice.

We’ve been talking about the #BalanceforBetter which the International Women’s Day organization gave us. I added #LifeInHarmonyNone of us love #BalanceforBetter. None of us love the word balance. It’s so interesting that we shifted out of that. I’m so thankful for that. I went on stage once and said balance is BS. I actually said the words and got applause. That’s where I think we are. Tell me a little bit about how you approach that idea of balance, but rejecting probably that word.

Balance is a myth. It’s an illusion to think that you can be balanced because we have passions in areas of our lives at certain times. Balance means that you’re into whatever it is that you’re into. It doesn’t mean you ignore the rest of your life or that you shun it, but if you look at your life, you’ll see that in each moment you get an opportunity to be alive, awake, passionate and empowered in that moment, whatever that moment is. Most people have heard of, “Be here now or be present,” in that moment, you are all in. You’re not balanced, you’re just all in helping your kids do whatever it is that they’re doing or you’re all in making that presentation or you’re all in being with your partner or you’re all in fighting with your partner or loving with your partner. You’re all in with knowing how to become the most awesome person you could ever dream or imagine to be.

Choose Happiness: If you look at your life, you’ll see that in each moment you get an opportunity to be alive, awake, passionate, and empowered in that moment, whatever that moment is.


Each person in each moment, if you start to incrementalize it down to the moment, then you see that you are balanced in that moment because that’s the only thing that matters. Then when you’re out of that moment, you give yourself 100% to the next thing and when you’re done with that moment, you give yourself 100% to what’s next. Sometimes there’s going to be periods in our lives where we’re all in because we’ve got a project. We need to get this done. Another time it’s going to be, “My body’s not feeling too good.” I’m all in to get myself healthy. We have to be with what is and the balance comes with being an impeccable, completely present and authentic to wherever it is that we are. To try to juggle all these things at once and think that they’re all going to be in this perfect little thing, I’ve never been able to do it. If you can give me some secrets, go for it.

I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work. I was a ballet dancer for most of my young life and standing on pointe, you cannot sustain that forever, you can’t balance that forever. Why would we want that? It’s not sustainable. I want something that is sustainable at the end of the day. If it’s not that, then maybe it’s having a partner, maybe it’s having a team, maybe it’s whatever that might be. That’s why I actually shifted the term to harmony, that if I have a harmonious life, then I get to shine when I want to shine. I can take the background and support somebody else when I’m ready and I can be the backup singer. I can do whatever I want. It gives me moments of rest too within there. To me, that just seemed a much better way to look at it than balance. I rejected it really early on and I think that has saved me for most of my life to say I don’t have to subscribe to somebody else’s idea of a perfect mom or a perfect entrepreneur or whatever that is. I get to choose what that is and what that means for me.

That’s very empowering. That’s the authenticity that I was speaking about and being present in the moment. Because if you’re all in at that moment, then that’s harmony. When we are scattered so thin, which I happen to be an expert at or multitasking, the bottom line is that when I’m really right here, I’m right here with you. I’m right here with the people sensing all their feelings and all these things. When that occurs, then there’s nothing. It’s like having blinders on and when you have blinders on at the moment, you are in the zone. You feel harmonious.

It makes me feel I’m getting to be me. I love that your voice is getting out in the world, Esateys. I just love that getting out in the world and I’m so glad your podcast got started. I’m so glad we could support you and Rafael in making that happen because you’ve got a very powerful message. You’ve got it cascading through generations of us women who need to hear this message too. That’s why I’m glad to bring you here on International Women’s Day.

When you speak your truth, the world seems to be appreciating you differently and you get to be heard differently. Share on X

I am blessed to be here and I feel honored that you have connected with me in this way and allowed me to speak because I do have a few years to be able to share that wisdom. I know there’s always a gift in that. When I was younger, I never thought there would be a gift but truly, I’m very excited because there are things that I have experienced and I know. I have learned from so many other people that made my life more awesome than I could ever dream or imagine. It’s truly awesome to be able to help others. If I can help one person, but I really want to help literally a million people shift their belief systems about who they are and what they are capable of and help them find life, then I feel my reason for being here is being fulfilled. That’s very exciting for me. That’s my mission.

Your reach is expanding, Relationships Done Different podcast. Esateys, thank you so much for joining me.

Thank you, Tracy. This has really been a gift. Keep on being what I call the prairie woman that you are. We use the term prairie woman when women just step up and do what needs to be done. Forget about whether you’re tired. You do what you need to do, but always from the place of authenticity, transformation and being in the moment. Allow yourself to feel the happiness of what it is that it brings to you. Thank you, Tracy. Take care.

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About Esateys Stuchiner

Esateys is a Speaker, Educator, Author, and Expert in the Human Condition. For the past 30 years Esateys, a Board Certified Nurse Practitioner, has specialized in Alternative Medicine and is a pioneer in the field of Energetic Medicine.

Esateys and her husband Rafael, are co-founders of the Ultimate Relationship Academy, and the Self Healing Institute.

As a Master Facilitator and Coach, Esateys is an unstoppable woman on a mission to have you satisfy what is important to you. Her specialized teachings are vital as she utilizes Relationships as the foundational aspect of helping people shift from a conflicted life of pain and suffering to one of joy, peace, and abundance.

Esateys is “The Architect of The New YOU”. She has developed a unique and proven MindSet System to help people design their own Personal Life Plan to End All Anguish.


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